I was trying super hard not to seek reassurance but I have t

I was trying super hard not to seek reassurance but I have to type this out here. I went to college today and then I was only noticing girls and how they looked and what they wore or if they we're pretty or whatever. I saw a few guys too but they weren't good looking. Most of the girls in our college say we don't have good looking guys at the college. Then we went for lunch to this small area near our college. We had lunch and when I was sitting at the cafe, j thought I was looking at every girl and I was attracted to her. Like literally anyone who was coming in and I was looking at them. I saw a few guys and I was like wow they're so hot/good looking/handsome but like nothing happened. The way I would get butterflies in my tummy or the warm feeling in my heart. I was chatting with a guy on WhatsApp and he was talking to me in a cute way and I really liked the cute flirting and stuff and thought how nice it'd be to date him. felt nice. But then I came back to the hostel and started watching friends and then there's this scene where Chandler is shirtless and I imagined how it'd be to be with him or whatever. And I didn't feel anything. And then I started having thoughts that is this because I find women's bodies better? And I keep looking at them? Or like what is it? I just feel that I've turned into a lesbian. It all feels so real and almost like I want it. Can HOCD feel this real? It doesn't even feel like it anymore. Also, like there's this constant tingling feeling in my groin which I don't get. And like there's this Indian actress and then I feel she's so pretty but now it just feel like I have a crush in her or whatever. And when all this happens I check in my mind by making up different scenarios and I feel scared that in my childhood also maybe I had a crush on an actress or did I just admire her? Or did I just want to be like her? I don't even remember. I'm feeling so scared, anxious, and all sorts of things. :(

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@jimkav are you giving me reassurance or just trying to spike me? :P

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@jimkav and it is HOCD. Even though it doesn't feel like it. I've been posting her for quite some time.

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[580]
Feb 13

I don't know lol. I was like panicking yesterday about it, and now I try to calm someone down.. what a time to be alive. I don't know what to say. Really. I feel horrible lol. Like everyone.

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